Lies and the Truth: Part Two

October 8th, 2015

 

LIE:  Bringing Tommy into our home was unfair to our other children, et cetera, et cetera.

TRUTH:  See this post:  Lies and the Truth:  Introduction

On the contrary, hard as it was, having Tommy as part of our family was one of the best things that has ever happened to us.  It is God’s kind of love for the stronger to sacrifice for the needier and weaker.  It was good, not harmful, for our other children to see us live that out, albeit imperfectly, as well as to live it out themselves in a limited way.

In all the intangible measurements of what’s most important in life, while it felt to us at times like Tommy’s adoption was a disaster for our family, God was accomplishing only good in us–in our family as a whole, in our marriage, and in every member of our family individually.  We were reminded that when the pressure He had sent our family had accomplished all He intended, He would lighten it.  

It is becoming more and more obvious that the pruning He was doing in us then is working to make us more fruitful now.

Every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.  Those aren’t just words; it is the truth.

 

LIE:  Tommy’s life was tragically cut short before it was complete.  He would still be alive if we hadn’t adopted him.  He survived sixteen years of hell but couldn’t survive much more than a year of my mothering.  He would have been better off left where he was.

TRUTH:  God decides when we are going to be born and when we are going to die.  

I did not choose for Tommy to die that day; God did.

God knew from the very beginning of Tommy’s story what was going to happen.   In God’s eyes, Tommy had accomplished his mission on earth and his life was complete.  It is not tragic to Tommy or to God that Tommy is now in heaven with God. 

 

LIE:  Tommy died because we had too many children.

TRUTH:  In reality, the circumstances of Tommy’s death had nothing to do with how many children were in our home; it could have happened the same way had he been the only child in our home.  In the absence of actual specific facts, the leap of logic required to connect the size of our family with the manner of Tommy’s death is similar to seeing a red car wrecked by the side of the road and deciding that it must have crashed because it was red.  Statistically, most children who die in accidental drownings are from small families.  The judgment that Tommy died because we have too many children says more about the bias of the critic than it does about our family and who we actually are in real life.  The officials who came to our home thoroughly investigated every detail of the situation and readily closed the investigation with the conclusion that Tommy’s death was a tragic accident and that we are nurturing parents who are providing more than adequately for our children. 

My assumption based on my knowledge and experience of Tommy’s size and his abilities as well as of that particular bathtub was that he was at the same risk of death playing there in a few inches of water as he would have been playing in the living room next to a heavy piece of furniture or outside in the yard under a tree.  

He was far more at risk of dying in a vehicle accident one of the countless times I drove to duPont hospital on a couple hours’ sleep.  

Tommy did not have cerebral palsy or a seizure disorder as his adoption papers stated.  At the time of his death, he was the size of a seven year old with the ability to sit up and lie down on his back readily.  Due to his cognitive limitations that affected his grasp of cause-and-effect, he was uninterested in the faucet handle.  Even had he made the logical connection and purposefully attempted to turn the water on, due to his significant lack of core strength he would have been unable to turn it on using his hands.  The bathtub leaked, so even the few inches of water I ran for him to play in had to be replenished periodically.  He very much resisted lying on his belly, and in fact was uncooperative with his physical therapist when she attempted to put him into that position.  He would immediately flip to his back as soon as he could, as he had spent nearly all his first sixteen years in this position, and it enabled him to move across the floor.  At his size, it was impossible for him to drown lying on his back in the bathtub in the amount of water I had run for him to splash in with his toys.  

I had never known him to lie down and push the faucet on using his feet, but since he was found lying on his back with his feet facing the faucet and the water running full blast, that is the best theory of what happened.  If so, it happened very quickly.

The email that was most powerfully healing to me in working through the tragic way Tommy died is worth quoting here:

“I’ve worked in pediatrics for a good while now, and the most striking thing about children with disabilities, especially cognitive disabilities, is their incredible skill at injuring or making themselves sick in completely bizarre and unpredictable ways. If I hadn’t seen them with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it. Please don’t doubt yourself.”

 

LIE:  Tommy died because the older children weren’t at home.

TRUTH:  In reality, if the older kids had been at home rather than vacationing at a cabin, they would almost surely have been at work or busy with their own activities.  Running the household with only younger children in it was actually much simpler and easier for Joe and me that week without the added complications the five older kids bring to the family.  In my defensive response to the criticism of others that our adoption of Tommy was unfair to our other kids, and in my imprudent desire to protect all the other family members from any unpleasant tasks related to Tommy, I had taken more and more onto myself and was asking less and less from Joe and from the older children.  

As greatly as we love our older kids and are overjoyed that they want to live here, brutal honesty demands we admit that they add an undeniable element of fun but exhausting conversations, agendas, opinions, energy, needs, late nights, noise, mess, emotion, and chaos to our home that was absent the week Tommy died.  It was enlightening to us, in fact, to experience this, and we joked that maybe we should rehome them all to make our lives that much more manageable.

 

LIE:  Tommy died because we were too over-extended; something had to give and it’s just too bad that it had to be Tommy’s life.

TRUTH:  The circumstances of Tommy’s death actually had nothing to do with the extreme stress of the previous fall, winter, and spring.  When he died, we were in the easiest, least stressful place we had been in since bringing him home.

Among other things, we had adapted to his quirks and needs, helps and supports were either in place or coming very soon, we weren’t on a learning curve, we had a good routine established, his toughest emotional and health challenges had been resolved for the time being, he was happy and growing fast, I was getting more sleep than I’d gotten for months, we were looking forward to some positive changes, and we weren’t also fitting homeschooling into our days.

 

LIE:  Tommy died because we took on too much by bringing him home.  Due to our bad judgment in adding Tommy to our family, we are culpable for his death, no matter how well-intentioned our motives were in adopting him.  Furthermore, those who counseled and supported us in adopting him were stupid and partly to blame for his death.

TRUTH:  From all we could see ahead of time as we and others who know us very well thought it through, we could handle another child with Katie’s needs, and Tommy was in a far better place emotionally and in other ways than Katie had been in when we brought her home.  We had successfully weathered Katie’s transition into our family, and both she and we were thriving.  We approached Tommy’s and Katie’s adoptions similarly, with the benefit during Tommy’s adoption of added knowledge and experience.  

We assumed there would be challenges while Tommy transitioned into our family, especially in the temporary phase before we all adapted to each other and were able to access the outside supports we would need, but we made our decision to bring him home based on all that was known at the time of his needs and our resources, and on our experience with Katie.  The unique circumstances that developed after Tommy came home were not chosen by us, they were chosen by God, and He did not reveal them to us ahead of time.  It’s ironic to us now that after spending a week with Tommy in Bulgaria, my greatest concern was how his frequent, high-pitched shrieking would affect our household, especially Verity with her sensitive hearing and temperament.  

While it’s a very human tendency to second-guess ourselves if acting by faith seems at any given time to have a poor result (questioning in the dark what we knew in the light), it springs from another very human tendency–thinking we have more control over circumstances and outcomes than is actually the case.

Living by faith will always stretch us beyond what we can easily handle on our own.  By definition, acting on faith will always involve taking a risk.  After due diligence has been satisfied, additionally demanding a guarantee of a successful outcome according to our definition of success will prevent us from living by faith.  

 

Mama and Tom-Tom~ 

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Coming up soon–Lies and the Truth: Part Three and Summary

 

 

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9 Responses to “Lies and the Truth: Part Two”

  1. Deanna says:

    These are the truth! I’m glad for those lies to be confronted and sent packing! :)

  2. kathy says:

    I am so sorry you even had to hear any of the doubts and comments that predated your post. It is tragic enough that Tommy died without people putting the blame on you or other members of your family in any way. It was a horrible, tragic accident. One that you and your family will have to live with forever. Tommy may not have been with you as long as expected, but it was a time filled with love and hugely improved on his 16 previous years. Now he is in the best place possible. Living with Jesus. He is in the best place possible. The place that we all want to go to someday.

  3. Heather says:

    Beautiful post about the TRUTH! My sincerest condolences for the loss of your sweet Tommy. You are truly the family God designed for him, and the Lord knows all those truths!

  4. Esther Paris says:

    I could have been a thorny critic when I was younger, less experienced, more naïve, and self-righteous. But one of my early lessons about motherhood + disasters happened when I had two kids. I was changing the diaper of #2, as #1 happily played with peers under the watchful & loving eye of Next Door Neighbor, the grandmother of said peers. During those few minutes of diaper change, #1 ate deadly nightshade berries. (Praise God they taste bitter & horrible to humans, or my #1 might have died from the poison instead of being merely horrifyingly ill for days.) It seemed like a perfect error-free scenario, and yet I nearly lost my oldest child in a flash. Carp happens.

    With baby 4, hubby was at work in Mexico and I had some horrid stomach virus. I was sick Sick SICK. But I didn’t know how sick I was. Baby 4 needed a diaper change in the middle of the night. So I took Baby 4 to the bathroom, where the changing area was. I was carrying a baby,,, a little baby,,, in the dead of night…. And I passed out from being ill. I regained consciousness to find myself and Baby sprawled on the bathroom floor. Praise God it wasn’t tragic. Baby could have smashed her skull on the bathtub when I fainted. Angel hands protected us that night. Carp happens.

    Carp happens. Simple as that.

    It’s inexperienced people filled with hubris who think they can parent perfectly and avoid every possible instance of carp. No one can. Carp happens.

    Here’s to praying that if Tommy had been biologically born to you with his disabilities and had died at 17, thereby negating any and all anti-adoption critique, that the same people would have nothing to say but “I’m so sorry for your tragedy and heartbreak. Carp happens and I wish there were something I could do to help you in this dreadful, dark time. Can I bring you a giant lasagna or three?” If adoption weren’t part of Tommy’s story, would the critics have any comments at all?

    But Tommy, resting in peace now, IS a Musser, born & bred and waiting to hug you again. (It just took a while for him to make his way to your table.) (And that hug he’s waiting to give you will be but a moment’s delay for him, even if it seems long to you.) And I’m sure he’s sending you Heaven Hugs daily. His Heaven Hugs have helped all of you come through to the bright side on the other side of Carp-Induced-Grief.

    Everyone gets carp. It’s the human condition. Anyone who thinks he or she can live a carp-free life is delusional or inexperienced or both. Your love for Tommy was nothing but a huge blessing to EVERYONE. And even yet, your story reminds the rest of us that children still suffer & need homes.

    Hugs & love from Rhode Island. God bless.

    Esther

  5. Mary says:

    Thank you for shedding the light on these lies! Be gone lies! Be gone! What a blessing it is to hear this all directly from you! The truth WILL set you free! Thank you again for your transparency and willingness to show us all! God has been glorified with you waiting and allowing Him to guide and direct the sharing of the truth! Love from NH!!!

  6. Esther Paris says:

    PS – I love the note from the person in Ped’s. It’s SO TRUE! One of our students has a broken wrist…. The student is about 10, I believe. How did the break happen? Student fell off THE TOP OF THE REFRIGERATOR! Seriously, who’d think a 10-year old would climb atop a fridge? Most 10-year olds wouldn’t. (But our students aren’t most students.) …. Our student spent DAYS in agony because at the initial ER visit they only X-rayed the shoulder. After days of the student crying and refusing or being unable to pick up food or crayons, etc, someone finally x-rayed the wrist and found the break. Poor kid, suffering the pain of an unstabilized break for days!

  7. Robin says:

    Thank you for sharing this series, meditating on the truth has helped me greatly since our catastrophic loss. Eph 6:14

  8. MamaV says:

    I never doubted that Tommy’s death was an accident, having been a mom for even a short time has taught me that things happen fast and even the most responsible people aren’t really “in control”. But I never knew just how flukey the circumstances were… Our job is to trust God, not try to predict and guard against every possible accident. Down that road lies insanity.

  9. Stori says:

    Dear Susanna, you are so precious and you don’t owe anyone any explanation. I hope that this pierces the heart of those who doubt you.

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