It occurs to me that I have the power to say no to You. If I guard certain areas of life with my “NO” sign, I can ensure that certain tragedies will never happen to me.
There have been times I’ve begged for a yes from You when You were saying no to me. But I have not contemplated a deliberate, even rebellious, self-protective no to You before, and the taste of it is bitter as it rolls around in my mouth and soul.
“Don’t spend emotional energy on a theoretical situation,” says my counselor. “Don’t worry about what He may never ask of you.”
“I’m not worried,” says my husband. “You have never said, ‘No,’ to God when He has actually come and asked you to do something.”
But I’m increasingly tormented by my uneasy awareness of this palpable rift between me and my Maker.
I don’t want to be a rebel against You. The cry of my heart is to be an open, unqualified yes to You again.
But I find my flesh quivering and shrinking back at the contemplation of more pain.
I cannot say it. I cannot. Not a trusting, unqualified yes, like I’d said before You pulled the rug out from under me.
It’s limbo. Terrified to say no and terrified to say yes. Terrified You’ll ask it of me, and terrified You’ll never ask it of me again.
I’m stuck. I just want it to be how it was before and it never will be again.
A request, an opportunity to help another adoptive family. Work for me to do that I thought I could never do again.
And the “Yes,” immediately rose up within me. “If You open this door for us, I want to walk through it.”
Jolting news from Pleven. More work for me to do that I thought I could never do again.
As I listened to the book of Job and then of Revelation, I heard the God of the universe thundering from eternity past to eternity future, “I am bringing about My will. This is not about you.”
Corrie ten Boom on Youtube! Really? The woman of all women I most want to meet in heaven one day. I find a short snippet to watch quickly.
She was speaking about her inability to forgive. My heart–or was it the Holy Spirit?–translated it into my inability to say yes to God.
“And I could not…I was not able! I could not! I could only [say no]!
‘I thank You, Father, that Your [power is greater than my terror]!’
That moment, I was free.
Can you [make yourself trust God]?
I can’t either.
But He can!”
And then, just as February was turning into March…
The Drop Box. Somehow Pastor Lee went from the trauma of finding his disabled child dead in his own home, frantically doing CPR and calling an ambulance, from saying this–
“If this is what it’s going to mean, I can’t do this job.”
–to courageously saying yes to God and being used by Him again.
So God, here’s my NO sign. I can’t find my YES sign. I’m very sorry, but there it is. You know it’s impossible for me.
If You want that to change, You’re going to have to do it Yourself. It’s too big for me, so I’m throwing it over to Your side of the fence and not worrying about it any more.
Thank You for showing me that I am not the point, my desires are not the point, my opinions are not the point, my emotions are definitely not the point although they try to be, my strengths, weaknesses, gifts, and inabilities are not the point.
You have done, are doing, and will do what You have willed, and it is always right, because You are good and cannot make mistakes.
You are worthy of praise.
That is the point.
…I guess I’ll text and let him know he can bring his kids over here in good weather to play outdoors after all…