Today, God is breaking my heart.

May 3rd, 2013

 

If God had taken counsel of our best judgment last summer after we committed to adopt Tommy, we would have sagely declared to Him that surely 2013 was the worst of all possible times to add a new baby to our family.

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Of course children are a blessing and of course we love babies, but

…and we would have followed this up with a long list of reasons so sensible and obvious we wouldn’t have had to explain them to any other human being. 

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Tiny baby Benjamin, as I smile into your eyes and you gaze into mine, trying with all your might to talk and smile back at me, my vision blurs.  But I have to look you in the eye and confess my hard heartedness to your Creator.

Just because of what my human logic considered to be poor timing…timing!…we would have missed the unique and inexpressible joy of you.

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26 Responses to “Today, God is breaking my heart.”

  1. Emily says:

    He is so cute! 

  2. Catherine says:

    You can never know just how much I needed this reminder today. Thank you.

  3. Whoa, sweetie! I could have written this myself! We were committed to bringing home two children from China when God sprung a Spring surprise on us! We were expecting! And we had still planned on me going to China but then a long wait happened that should not have happened (it NEVER happens!) and we lost 6 weeks…that put us traveling within two weeks of birth..well…I never give birth early…either on time or late only.  In the end I stayed home while my husband spent 3 weeks in China…5 days after he got home with our two newest blessings I went into labor! There is no doubt in my mind had I gone I would have had 3 Chinese born children!
    Two months later one of our sons had a mental breakdown and I now see it would have happened much earlier had I gone to China…God intended for me to not go all along to keep my son from falling completely apart (PTSD, Anxiety, FASE, etc).  While I still grieve deeply that I missed that amazing opportunity yet I know that the Lord had his reasons for me not going. Our sweet surprise blessing is now 7 months old and we adore him!

  4. Caroline says:

    Welcome, beautiful baby Benjamin.  Congratulations to you all as you enjoy your new blessing.

  5. Valerie says:

    God has His mighty arms and love wrapped around you. I know your pain. 

  6. Warriorbride says:

    Thank you for posting this, Susanna, and for being so preciously transparent. I needed to read this today. Love you.

  7. Melissa says:

    We are fostering a baby that is just a few weeks older than Benjamin…it is hard; we have never experienced anything quite like this…but then I force myself to look at him and remember, that if it were not for us, this child would have no one to depend upon, no one to love him and worry over him. There would be no one to come running when he cried in the middle of the night. I am amazed he is even here at all; his circumstances are such that he could have easily been aborted, and no one would have been the wiser.
    He is just as precious as your little Ben. I am sure that my feelings of inadequacy and my fears are small compared to the ability God is imparting upon me. Just like you, God said “Now,” and I can only cling to the knowledge that His timing is perfect.
    God bless your family.

  8. molly b says:

    Oh my.  He is so beautiful!!  And what perfect timing God has!
    Thanks for sharing the sweetness!!!

  9. LisaL says:

    Such a beautiful baby!!  Congrats!

  10. Amy says:

    This beautiful truth of following God when He says, follow me. For it is God’s will, not our own. And look what blessings have rained down on your family. Benjamin is precious just as Tommy is precious just as all your children are gifts from God. I admire your family so much for being an example of what love is. 

  11. Louisa says:

    What a beautiful treasure! Cherish him…praying for peace today in your eyes!

  12. Lorena says:

    Gorgeous!  Thank you so much for taking the time to share both the photos and your heart.  Blessings to you all!!

  13. Tami says:

    ((((Susannah))))  Enjoy your sweet blessing, and rest in the goodness of the Lord, who knows that we are but dust.   If you feel any guilt, confess and move on ahead with clear conscience, no tears – guilt is the enemy’s tool to bind us; forgiveness is the Lord’s tool to set us free.  Not that my opinion matters much, but – I really want to say – I don’t believe for a minute your heart was ever hard.  It seems to me more that you were assessing your abilities and limitations, and perhaps quaking slightly with trepidation (I don’t know if you were – I just know I do!!) – BUT, you continued to move forward in sure faith of the Lord and HIS strength.  Don’t let the enemy rob you of the joy of these days – you have behaved faithfully.  Isn’t that what faith is?  Moving ahead despite what our reasoning and logic tells us?  Had you logically concluded that yes, it was a great time for adding both a baby and an older “new” son at the same time – then it really wouldn’t be walking in faith, would it?  Rather it would be walking in your own strength.  I just know that if I as a parent asked my child to do something that I knew was safe, but scary, for them, and they did it to be obedient, I would be pleased with them.  I wouldn’t condemn them for the fear they felt as they did it.  I think God loves us in the same way…
    Hope I’m not missing the point and blathering on about the wrong thing!  :) 
    Beautiful baby!!! Now just go enjoy him happily and gratefully!!!!  :D 

  14. MamaV says:

    He’s beautiful! And I think I know where you are coming from…

  15. Maureen says:

    He is beyond precious!!!! Every good & perfect gift is truly from above. {{{hugs}}} & can’t wait to see you all soon!

  16. Melissa says:

    Tami, I hope your words have blessed Susannah as much as they have me. Thanks for the reminder.

  17. Susanna says:

    Tami, those are the words of a good friend; thank you for writing them! It just overwhelmed me today that if I’d had my choice, it would have been this little Benjamin I was choosing not to have in our family, and I’m so grateful God timed this so precisely that He didn’t give us an option about either Ben or Tommy.

    (And yes, I’ve had my share of sweaty-palm moments this pregnancy, ALWAYS after looking at our family through the eyes of our critics and focusing on my own limitations instead of on my heavenly Father and His faithfulness to His promises.)

  18. Deanna says:

    He’s so beautiful!  God knows completely what we need – and you all and we – need Ben!  Can’t wait to see him in person!
    Trust you are resting and just soaking him up!
     

  19. Missy says:

    In that first picture he looks like Verity. Those cute cheeks! :) I’m glad you are resting and healing and life is moving smoothly along. Ahem, except for maybe those unexpected swims in the tub. Thank you for taking pictures, before you took her out.

  20. Jenny Watson says:

    He is so so beautiful. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

  21. Denise says:

    ((((hugs))))
    I get it!!  I needed this reminder too.
    I’m not pregnant but I really need this today….. thank you for sharing

  22. Jodi says:

    Susannah, thank you for this post!   You came very close to answering my question from a while ago about pregnancy during the adoption process, and I think I can read the rest between the lines.  We were surprised by our now 18-month old while adopting our son, and I felt similarly convicted for having tried to avoid her.  Now that we are adopting again, though, well… it’s somehow no easier to know how to proceed when our agency have suggested that it might be best *not* to get pregnant this time :)  I am thankful in any case that God is sovereign to give us blessings even when we would say, “no, thank you” to them! Thank you, as always, for your transparency.  Your sweet Benjamin is absolutely beautiful, and is not doing a bit of good for my baby itch :)

  23. Martha says:

    I had a “poorly timed” pregnancy too, but that boy who was born nearly 23 years ago has been a wonderful blessing and great source of encouragement. When my dear friend delivered her trisomy 18 baby on the same day, I truly wondered what God was doing, but I knew it was something beautiful on the upside of His tapestry. Little Naomi Ann (Pleasant Grace) lived just two days, and changed our lives forever.
     
    Your little guy is gorgeous and God brought him here in His perfect time too, but I’m sure you already know that.

  24. Molly says:

    He is SO cute!!!!  Congratulations.  Enjoy him!

  25. MamaPoRuski says:

    Congratulations!
    Can’t wait to see how God uses Benjamin in the coming days, weeks, months and years. You are all truly blessed!

  26. Gina in Spain says:

    Thank you for your honesty..I often wondered how you felt about the timing…….in any case, Ben is adorable….So glad all is going well!

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