Here is my boast…

September 27, 2011 at 7:13 AM by Susanna

“Thou hast disarmed me of the means in which I trusted, and I have no strength but in thee…keep me sensible of my weakness, and of my dependence on thy strength.”  ~Valley of Vision

Toward the end of last week, my determination had turned to desperation.

“I can not go on like this!” I finally admitted to my husband.

Awake too far into the wee hours of every night…pushing my limits to the breaking point…afraid that if I relaxed, I’d lose track of even one detail in the extensive and complex list of tasks that lay before me.  I couldn’t let any of them fall to the ground!

I had made up my mind to just keep fighting through it until my list was conquered.  Come what may, I wanted to see the end of that list!  I was determined!  I would conquer it!

But every time I’d come back to the computer, it handed me another long list of assignments before the last ones were completed, until just the sight of the laptop made me feel weary and half-sick.

Now that I was focused over here, the dust bunnies and sticky fingerprints were multiplying over there.  Phone calls were put off for too many days.  I was increasingly distracted and absorbed in my thoughts when I was with the children.  I began to feel that I was failing, no matter how hard I worked in any direction.

But if the pressure is this great now, what will it be like when Katie is home?  If I admit that I’m not keeping up, isn’t that admitting that I can’t handle this responsibility?  Mustn’t show weakness now!  Someone might spot it!  And doubt my ability to take on this new assignment!  And say I asked for it!  Can’t afford to rest.  Must push, push, push.

Finally, it all came rushing out.

“This isn’t working…

…I can’t go on like this…

…I’m sorry for being such a whiny baby!”

Joe listened.  He thanked me for explaining what was going on inside.  He offered to write one of the emails for me.  (Have you noticed that unlike women, men can quickly get down to business without appearing cold or rude?)

And he asked God to help me.

I lay awake, looking into the pitch blackness.

Susanna, what have you been doing?  What have you been doing?  Come to your senses, woman!  Do you really want what happens when you trust in your own devices?  Have you forgotten…?

“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me!”

So here is my glad boast–

My strength runs low.  Without his grace to sustain me, I fall.  I fail.  I fret.

I am weak.

And when I am weak, then I am strong.  Because His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  Because the excellency of the power is of God, and not of me.   I know my limits.  I want to see what God’s limitless strength can do!

This week, I am finding His burden to be light.  He himself has picked it up, and is carrying it.  Just as He promised to do.

And there is rest, joy, peace!

 

 

Someone turned fifteen months old yesterday, and will soon get her very own update post.  Here she is shown building up her immunities…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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20 Responses to “Here is my boast…”

  1. Deanna says:

    Why do we always take up our burdens ourself – like we don’t want to bother the Lord?  Glad you have given it to Him…
    I love the photos of the kids…especially laughed at the comment about Verity building up her immunities!

    Deanna

  2. Felicity says:

    Thank you for reminding me of His Strength (and my weaknesses..)
    Loved the photos of the children! 

  3. Becky K. says:

    I loved running into you last evening.  We need to do that on purpose one of these days….quick time for chatting and encouragements are good.

  4. Cindy says:

    A great reinforcement of what I’ve been praying myself today.  Pics are great , we like that park, play tennis there monthly.  Great to see the mountains God is moving in MANY lives.

  5. Carol says:

    Thanks so much for sharing, Susanna. This really resonates with how I have been feeling… to-do lists that never end, inability to be fully present with my children, feeling like I am falling behind in every area but not wanting to admit it because my son isn’t even home yet so how can I admit failure now? Thank you for the reminder to give it over to God and trust Him to carry me rather than trusting in my own strength.

  6. Amy says:

    I can so relate to this post today.  Thanks for sharing.  My mission of late is to learn to become dependent on God instead of always being dependent on myself and my Type A personality to get things done.  It is a hard mission but a good one.

  7. Rebecca ~asplendidtime says:

    spare some?  (pulling out my copy of Valley of Vision)  :)
     
    ((((((((((( hugs+prayers )))))))))))

  8. Gail says:

    Thanks for your honesty, Susanna. I’ve cried several times to Mike lately and have said, “But what’s wrong with me.  Susanna is able to handle all of this and she has ten kids.  I only have two!”  Thanks for the reminder to rely on God and His strength–not my own!

  9. amy says:

    This is exactly the same struggle I had this week. And in a similar way God helped me to remember. :)

    ~Amy
    http://theleastofthesematthew2540.blogspot.com/

  10. Lauren says:

    I’ve been going through the same feelings over a totally different situation. Thank you for the reminder to give it to God. Prayers for you,

  11. Bridget says:

    Susanna, God is great!  We tend to forget that sometimes and need to be reminded.   I believe that is how God gets our attention sometimes.  He reminds us to slow down and let Him take control.  It is not easy and I am not sure how you do it, except through Him.  I am praying not only for things to go quickly for Katie coming home but for you as well to stay focused and let God do the work for you.  God Bless you and your family. I am very thankful that I am able to follow your story and be blessed through your wisdom and strength.  

  12. Amy says:

    Ok, I just have to pipe in- I would be FLIPPING OUT if I saw my child on the top of that huge swing set!!! LOL Good gracious I’m ready to have a heart attack just looking at the photo! LOL You are a brave mama! :)

  13. Angie says:

    I say Thank You!!  Have been having some of those failing others (my daughter) feelings right now and needed to me reminded that he wants to carry my burdens and doesn’t want me to. 

  14. Ginger says:

    Prepare for lots of boasting after Katerina gets home. :D That sums up my first year post-adoption very well – learning that I cannot do it in my own strength, but must rely on the Lord for the grace, compassion, and patience I so want to have, but don’t. Praise God – He does! In abundance!

    Ok, I love the pic looking down on Verity — her adorable glasses and her itty bitty feet- so sweet!! You have beautiful children, Susanna. Can’t wait for one more beauty to be added soon! 

  15. Nancy Neal says:

    I’m grandmother to 15 grands with two on the way and I still struggle with surrender myself. Your words are an inspiration to all who read them. I shared this post with a friend who is struggling with stress at work following an acquisition. I quit that job because the stress was just too much for me; yet she presses on. I am looking for another job, money is tight, yet I have a peace knowing that God’s plan for me was written before I was born. I am trusting Him to lead me to a workplace where He can be glorified – through me – little old me. Thank you for this post, Susannah, and thank you for going after Katie. You are the answer to my prayers for her!

  16. Susanna says:

    Amy, your comment made me chuckle!

    They got it from me! I loved climbing and would have done the same thing at her age. I spent a lot of my childhood up in a tree reading a book! I guess it is odd that none of ours have broken any bones yet, but they all seem to know how much they can handle. (Two of them are afraid of heights and will not even go up to the top of a stepladder, but I won’t embarrass them by telling which ones!) And by the way, I’m not so brave when it comes to water. I couldn’t live in peace with a pond on the property!

  17. Kat says:

    I read this and it hit home with me…hard.  I hope it’s okay, but I’ve linked to your blog and wrote about this post.  It was a blessing to me this week.  Thank you!!!!

  18. GAMZu says:

    Yay for photo posts! Your family is precious.

  19. Carol says:

    I never commented that I loved the family pics! You look like you have a lot of fun living and learning together. Lots of homeschool inspiration too… what a great idea with the photo cards and alphabet blocks. What activity are they doing with the dominoes? We have that exact same set, and I was wanting to borrow ideas there too if I could please. :)

  20. Susanna says:

    Carol, nothing new–just matching one end to another with supervision. Then I let him just play and build with them while I was focused on the twins. Kept him happily occupied for about 45 minutes. That was Stephen and he just turned three this week. :)

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