“Thou hast disarmed me of the means in which I trusted, and I have no strength but in thee…keep me sensible of my weakness, and of my dependence on thy strength.” ~Valley of Vision
Toward the end of last week, my determination had turned to desperation.
“I can not go on like this!” I finally admitted to my husband.
Awake too far into the wee hours of every night…pushing my limits to the breaking point…afraid that if I relaxed, I’d lose track of even one detail in the extensive and complex list of tasks that lay before me. I couldn’t let any of them fall to the ground!
I had made up my mind to just keep fighting through it until my list was conquered. Come what may, I wanted to see the end of that list! I was determined! I would conquer it!
But every time I’d come back to the computer, it handed me another long list of assignments before the last ones were completed, until just the sight of the laptop made me feel weary and half-sick.
Now that I was focused over here, the dust bunnies and sticky fingerprints were multiplying over there. Phone calls were put off for too many days. I was increasingly distracted and absorbed in my thoughts when I was with the children. I began to feel that I was failing, no matter how hard I worked in any direction.
But if the pressure is this great now, what will it be like when Katie is home? If I admit that I’m not keeping up, isn’t that admitting that I can’t handle this responsibility? Mustn’t show weakness now! Someone might spot it! And doubt my ability to take on this new assignment! And say I asked for it! Can’t afford to rest. Must push, push, push.
Finally, it all came rushing out.
“This isn’t working…
…I can’t go on like this…
…I’m sorry for being such a whiny baby!”
Joe listened. He thanked me for explaining what was going on inside. He offered to write one of the emails for me. (Have you noticed that unlike women, men can quickly get down to business without appearing cold or rude?)
And he asked God to help me.
I lay awake, looking into the pitch blackness.
Susanna, what have you been doing? What have you been doing? Come to your senses, woman! Do you really want what happens when you trust in your own devices? Have you forgotten…?
“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me!”
So here is my glad boast–
My strength runs low. Without his grace to sustain me, I fall. I fail. I fret.
I am weak.
And when I am weak, then I am strong. Because His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Because the excellency of the power is of God, and not of me. I know my limits. I want to see what God’s limitless strength can do!
This week, I am finding His burden to be light. He himself has picked it up, and is carrying it. Just as He promised to do.
And there is rest, joy, peace!
Someone turned fifteen months old yesterday, and will soon get her very own update post. Here she is shown building up her immunities…