My baby

August 15th, 2011

We are in shock.

We are angry at Satan.

We have a lot of work ahead of us.

In all her years of working with orphanage directors, our attorney has never met one who was so cold and detached as this woman.  It is as if she is still stuck back in the Soviet era.  She does not have the heart, the passion, to be doing this job.  She doesn’t care if others come and help–all the less for her to have to do.  In spite of all the arrangements that had been made, she was with another guest when we arrived, and was not ready for the appointment.

This gave me more time to pray.

By the time we got to see the director, she was obviously ill-at-ease.  I did get to say and ask what I had hoped to, but I could not thank her for keeping Katerina alive.  The words stuck in my throat, and that was before we got to see Katerina.

[This picture clearly shows the uncertain emotions I am feeling as I wait outside the door to Katie’s room, and the money belt I thought was well hidden around my waist.  Oh well.]

In all her years of working with adoptions, our attorney has never seen a child who was in worse shape.  She said that she didn’t want to scare me, but that I needed to know that sometimes children in poor condition die before they get home.  She said that one of her other adoptive families recently lost a child in poor shape before they got to see him for the first time.

How thankful I am that God prepared me by guiding us to that blog about little Gabe. When the caregiver handed her to me, Katerina immediately showed that she was afraid by crying and making weak pushing motions toward my hands.


…trying desperately not to cry…

…Toni?  Look at her…?

The caregiver said that she wanted to change her diaper, and our attorney asked if I may do it myself.  I took more pictures than this, and am sending them to Dr. Strauss, with an appeal that he write a letter urging expedition.  They will also go to the government officials we will ask for help, and to the USCIS officer with our I-800 application.

Whatever was left of my heart has been smashed up into little tiny bits and is crying out in pain.

Tiny little baby bird.


After I changed her diaper and clothes, I sat on a chair very still with Katerina facing outward where she was not forced to see my face.

I spoke her name over and over.  On this trip, I am calling her by her birth name.

She slowly relaxed, and began to smile and laugh.

I told her over and over that I was her mama.

I crooned softly to her that she was my pretty girl, my precious jewel, and I was her mama.

She patted my hand with hers.  Pat, pat, pat, just like Verity does.

She weighs so little that my lap has already forgotten the feel of her there.

I now know how it feels to hold a starving child.

We can look at her and see what kind of life she has lived.  The damage that has been done was so unnecessary.  So unnecessary.

She has spunk, she smiles, she responds, she is a person, she wants to live.

O God, have mercy on her and open the way for her to come home quickly.  Please let us take care of her.

Satan, in the name of Jesus, you are not going to win this one.

Share it!

222 Responses to “My baby”

  1. Lori Printy says:

    On my knees praying for His will to be done…and I’ve asked everyone I know to pray with me.
    Prayer is strong.
    Lori, a fellow adoptive mom

  2. Cassandra Wojtaszak says:

    I am praying that God expedites this adoption for you both! I am broken hearted and so sad, my heart is heavy and I’m balling like a baby! I cannot thank you enough for being such a good person and taking care of this sweet, precious baby!! She is so sweet and it is absolutely criminal the way she has been treated. Oh how I feel for you both!!! Lots of love and hope and prayers being sent your way!!

  3. Jennifer says:

    May God have mercy and soften the hearts of those who are interfering with this adoption process. Satan may not attack this family any longer. He must go in the Name of Jesus. This family belongs to God and satan must leave them alone. In the name of Jesus we pray…Amen.

  4. Nancy says:

    This beautiful child has clearly felt the depth of your love.  I pray that this will sustain her in the days ahead and that her journey home is met with no complications.

  5. dana says:

    Bless you, and bless that baby. My friend posted this on fb and I coul not stop reading. My heart hurts right along with yours, and is hopeful as well. Bless you, and bless that baby! Lod here our prayers, please let her know that Jesus loves and is with her

  6. Jennifer says:

    I have been praying and wanted you to know even though we have never met, I’m lifting you and your sweet precious Katerina up to the Father. You both have been at the fore front of my thoughts all day. I will continue to pray this through and just know you are loved. Please tell Katerina there are people praying for her and love her. Blessings to you and your family. Sending Big Hugs, from Indiana

  7. Jolie Rahn says:

    Oh my goodness!!  My heart is breaking and the tears have welled but it is so full of hope for this sweet baby bird.  I can not understand the bureaucracy of a nation or nations that can’t expedite the release of such an angel.  I pray deeply that you get to bring your girl home quickly.  That you both may find refuge with God while he brings you both home swiftly and safely.

  8. K says:

    Sending out more prayers for you, your family, for Veronika, and for the staff who oversee her care. :(

  9. Rilla Wisor says:

    I belong to a wonderful crochet group on Facebook. We are in prayer for you all right now. 12:15 AM.

  10. Jennifer says:

    God bless her… :’)

  11. Shely says:

    We faced the same situation with our Carrington just a few short months ago.  I know how your heart is feeling and I know that prayer will bring your sweet angel home and heal her body.  You and your family will heal her emotionally with all the love you give her.  You are right that Satan will NOT win this one because you have the power of God and His people on your side. We will pray for both of you and that action is taken to help prevent this abuse to other children.

  12. Ellie says:

    I have no words.  Except I want to shove the faces of the selfish, worried-only-about-how-their-lives-would-be-affected-and-money-not-given-to-them people who jammed up our adoption into these pictures and say..well, not sure what I’d say.  Not sure I would need to say anything at all.  Praying for you and Katerina.

  13. Valerie says:

    She looks like an angel to me. Praying!

  14. Ami says:

    She has a beautiful smile, I hope your new daughter is home with you as soon as possible <3

  15. dee chugg says:

    As a mother with a daughter with ds i was simply stunned reading this with tears streaming down my face, she will bring you some much joy, i hope she is home with you soon. god bless your an angel on earth.

  16. Susan says:

    Hi, I am a former pediatric nurse and mother to many, both biological and adopted.  As mentioned, Veronika needs immediate help for her physical needs, but it was her beautiful face which really struck me.  She is a very pretty child and though she has suffered much, there is much to hope for with such a vibrant smile and personality.  Please keep us updated.

  17. MamaPoRuski says:

    Praying for all involved. You for wisdom, peace, financial covering, for the orphanage that God would put his people in place to love and care for these children, for Verity for health and safety, and for others to rise up and join in the cause of orphans! HUGS!

  18. Lin Fessler says:

    I know Nika from the RR site.  Her picture has been on my fridge forever. I wanted to go get her so badly and wondered what happened to her as she was no longer listed. Thank God for you, she is beautiful! I am thrilled and will pray for her to get the help and home she needs very soon.

  19. Rebecca ~asplendidtime says:

    I was never able to see this, and I am so grateful to have had the chance.  Thank you for sharing! I love you!
    (((((((((( hugs )))))))))))

  20. Bernadette says:

    Oh my goodness! I gushed tears reading this one!  It is amazing. In just a few minutes, what a real mother’s love can do. You can SEE how this suffering, mistreated for years child blossoms in the arms of her new mommy! The difference is astonishing. Susanna, you are a woman blessed by God and SO anointed in what you do!

  21. Qadoshyah says:

    Wow. I never saw this post until today. Katie was so close to death. Amazing how someone can let a child get like this. Katie has come so far already…awesome what a family & love can do :)!

  22. Stephanie says:

    I am reading this way after the actual time it occurred, but it seems like the events are happening in real-time to me, and my heart is breaking for this beautiful child as I read this post and look at the photos. I am so grateful you were led to her and am
    In awe of your mothering heart and your tenacity. I am glad to know that there is joy just around the corner for late readers like me, but I realize the strength and faith you must have had to have had to make it through to the next part of the story! 

RSS feed for comments on this post. And trackBack URL.

Leave a Reply