Last spring I wondered…
How should we prepare to receive and care for Verity, this new child who may be in fragile health? What would we need? How could we prepare ourselves if we didn’t even know what we would need? What if we ran dry? Down syndrome is not an event, it’s a lifelong marathon. What if we didn’t have what it would take?
Now we can look back at the intense experiences and emotions of this new chapter in our lives, this chapter that stretches all the way back to the February night we first heard the words “Down syndrome” spoken about our baby.
And we can catch a glimpse–just a glimpse, mind you!–of how He fitted each of those experiences exactly to our need.
It is obvious on the surface that He has met our needs, and that in glorious ways!
But what is most profoundly reassuring to me as we wait here between the past known and the future unknown, is that He met them…
…without waiting for me to ask Him,
…when I didn’t know what my true needs were, and
…when I would have chosen differently for myself.
What takes away my fear is not so much the bare fact that He will give me all I need, but that His grace toward me is not dependent on me.
Yes, I had been taught that truth from my childhood. I would have confidently asserted that it was trustworthy truth! That chair was sturdy and would hold my weight. I even prayed to be allowed to sit on it. ”Humble me, O Lord. Show me Your glory.”
But as Joe and have spent time reflecting on these past whirlwind months, we both agree that He has opened our eyes to the reality of how little we can truly control.
Speaking for myself now…
All my life I have been too ready to venture into God’s domain, too quick to take credit for both apparent successes and apparent failures. Too confident in my ability to know and judge myself.
I have trusted myself more than I have trusted God.
I have acted from the assumption that He is waiting for me to prove myself, instead of looking to Him to prove Himself.
I wear out, break down, see through a glass darkly, am misled by any number of emotions, choose foolishly, and fall prey to the unbelieving mindset that if I could just make it come out my way, all would be as it should be. I am pitifully ignorant of and insufficient for all that I need in life. I need Him to save me from myself over and over and over again.
This spring I am testifying to God’s sovereignty from my position curled up in the chair. He has pulled me up onto His lap. ”Test me in this,” He said. My feet aren’t touching the floor; now I have experienced that His Word is true.
My Father sees and knows the big picture without taking His cues from me.
He knows what I need, and He is seeing to it, and will never run dry.
“With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.”