My soul waits for the Lord

February 5th, 2011

Last week I was collecting “Photos of our Family and Home” to submit to our girl’s country, and accidentally clicked on her video.  How many times have I watched that one minute and forty-six seconds, and not grown tired of her face?

I leaned in to gaze again on this tiny girl-child with the big, dark, sad eyes, hardly able to bear how close she appears to be, knowing the thousands of miles that separate us.  She looks like she’s…

…right there.

Joe was with me, and I told him, with a gesture, how I long to just…

…reach in and pick her up and hold her…

Laura and Stephen came into the room near the end, and Laura was immediately transfixed.  I asked her if she’d like to watch the whole thing again right then, and she said “yes.”

She sat down and pulled Stephen onto her lap.  I started the video again, and Joe and I watched as she…

…leaned in close to gaze on the tiny girl-child…

…and told us, with a yearning in her voice…

…and a gesture that exactly mimicked mine…

…how she wanted to just…

…reach in and pick her up and hold her…

…how she can hardly wait until we can bring her home to our family.

Can you imagine how it would feel to spend nine whole minutes knowing that nobody loved you?

Nine whole minutes?

How about nine days?

Nine months?

I cannot imagine for one split second how it feels to know that nobody loves me.

It is a given of my life that I am loved and know it.

When I watch her video, how it rends my heart to see her reach up to the caregiver, who grasps her arms and puts them right back down and walks away, the little girl’s head turning and eyes following her as she goes.

This is her life.

She has spent nearly nine years…nine years…knowing that nobody loves her.

She doesn’t know about the wonders Jesus is working right now to rescue her, train us in blind obedience, and show Himself mighty.

She doesn’t know that here, on the other side of the world, we love her, so much.

So yesterday, as we said goodbye to the children, left the Zimmerman’s guys working in the new bathroom, drove to the post office to mail off the first fees to Toni, stopped in at the AAA to have the commitment papers notarized, dropped by the home of our good friends to pick up their money gift, waited at the State Department in Harrisburg to have the papers apostilled, and finally!  finally! met the amazing Stephanie Carpenter in person for the very first time…and her precious daughter Ellianna…

…and yes, she sent our commitment papers to our girl’s government, with ten minutes to spare before the office closed for the weekend…

…underneath all the surface preparations, there are always tears awaiting me there.  Tears when I allow myself to contemplate that this is really happening, that our family is really going through this process.  That the dreams I have had since I was a young girl, reading about missionary ladies rescuing thrown-away babies, may really be coming true.  That there really is a little girl lying in a crib in Eastern Europe, unaware that we are waiting for her; unaware that she is waiting for us.  That there really is hope that someday, we will really walk into her room and pick her up.  And the more real it becomes, the more I long, with tears, to be allowed to hold her close in my arms and pour out a mother’s love upon her.

Tears most of all when I think, “We are coming for you, baby girl!  As fast as God allows!”

“I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I hope;

my soul waits for the LORD

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning.”

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7 Responses to “My soul waits for the Lord”

  1. Kozimom says:

    I am praying for you all and praising the Lord at the work He is doing!  This is a wonderful, amazing story and I’m so blessed to be able to watch it unfold like this.  My heart is full and I’m on the verge of tears, thinking about this little girl.  What a homecoming it will be for her!

  2. Marilyn Osborn says:

    Beautifully written.  I can remember those EXACT feelings and thoughts.  I would watch Elizabeth’s video over and over and long to hold her.  My heart would ache for hers.
    Praying it won’t be long, dear friend.
    Holding you up in prayer!

  3. I feel the same way about my Moses’s (Val’s) video. He keeps trying to get the caregivers to interact with him. But they just pose him for the video. Then they write in his report “child does not play with toys”. He’s laying among battery operated educational toys but he can’t even sit up! He’s 5 in the video (turns 6 this month) and he just wants someone to hold and love him!
    (((HUGS))) and prayers

  4. Stephanie Blanchard says:

    Susie, my mother’s heart cannot imagine how  it feels to have your heart wrenched so.  I do know however, how I felt when I first gazed upon Xander’s beautiful picture.  I had one picture and I had to wait until the next day to meet my baby boy.  One day!  That is all I had to wait… and I remember how terrible it felt to know he was in the hospital nursery with no mama to rock him, pray the Word over him, sing him his first hymn, kiss him and do everything she could to make him comfortable.  I do remember *that* feeling and I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes thinking about it.  I’m praying for you friend… from my home in Richmond, Virginia that is so very quiet right now.  I’ll continue to lift you.  Just as I promised you many months ago that Brandon and I were commited praying for your family and baby Verity, tucked safely in your tummy… I promise you that we are lifting you in prayer, regularly and often. 

  5. Joy Horton says:

    *****streaming tears here******for both the beauty of the Father’s love about to pour down on this little girl through your precious family, the fact that her planned rescue is unknown to her *at this point* & the WRONGness of her situation where she STILL reaches out for love . . . unanswered. It’s absolutely heart-rending. But I love the fact that God knew the reason He planted this desire in your heart so long ago and exactly the moment it would come to fruition. I am honored to be along on this journey with you & witness His Amazing Love coming to redeem this little one’s life.

  6. Angiedawn says:

    Tears……….I will be praying and I can’t imagine how happy I will be to see her home with you!

  7. Scott says:

    In response to your mention of time and imagining no one loved you…
    while we were in the E.R. with little Reagan waiting for them to find her a room (which they did, a peds cardio room) the next space beside us was occupied by a boy approx. 8-10 years old who was waiting there all alone, softly moaning in his misery.  While we were waiting, they did finally find him a room and took him away to it, after being there all alone for 36 hours.  (We have been told this is standard procedure, the group home comes and drops the sick child off, then waits for the phone call to come and pick them back up.)  And as horrific as it was to imagine him abandoned there for 36 hours, it was ONLY 36 hours, not a lifetime.  So it was that I was, of course, thinking of the children that we are working at rescuing and finding loving homes for.  A lifetime of the abandonment that this child felt for a few days.

    You are doing a wonderful thing, something that is in our hearts to do, but of course, at our age, we could never ever qualify.  And so we support. And pray. And blog…

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