Verity two days post-surgery

August 1st, 2010

Dr. Clark came through this morning and gave Verity’s heart another chance to fire on its own without the pacemaker.  Since it didn’t pass that test, and he didn’t see any improvement over yesterday, he told us that she now has 50/50 odds of getting a pacemaker put in on Friday.  This would require a second surgery.  He said that each day that passes without improvement, a permanent pacemaker becomes more likely.

Now, you know what we believe about probabilities and statistics.

If God intends for Verity to have a pacemaker, she will have a pacemaker.  If not, she won’t.

He said that of the two repaired heart valves, the leakage level of one valve is very low/low.  The leakage level of the other is zero/very low.

Today’s X-ray showed that both her lungs are looking good now, thank the Lord!

Remember yesterday’s breathing practice?  Turning gray and all?  Well, today she did so well that after the first hour, they decided to let her practice for another hour!  The last time we went in to see her, they were just turning her ventilator back on.  They are planning to give her more breathing practice tonight from 6-8 pm, and if she passes, tomorrow will be the day they will pull her ventilator tubing out!

Which means that they will be able to give her a little of my milk!  They will put it through a tube right into her small intestine, bypassing her stomach to prevent reflux.

There’s been a small miracle going on that I haven’t mentioned before.  In spite of exclusively pumping for all these weeks, I have been having an abundant milk supply, two to four times the amount that Verity needs.  Considering that I have had supply problems in the past, this is remarkable and we are thankful to the Lord for His provision for her!

Today the nurse hasn’t given her any sedation other than playing Bach’s cello suites for her.  Amazingly enough, the music puts her right to sleep every time!  So if we go in to see her when she is awake, we stand back and stay quiet, so her blood pressure doesn’t rise too high.  If she is sound asleep, we can stand right next to her and talk in low voices.  The reason we need to be so careful with her blood pressure is that it puts too much strain on the sutures in her heart.  After she has completely healed, the blood pressure will not be an issue.

For the sake of you mothers who will be in my shoes in the future, I want you to be more prepared than I was for one phase of the recovery~

Yesterday, when I went to see her in the mid-afternoon, she was awake, with her eyes open.  My heart jumped when I saw this, and I went right to her side and began to talk to her and rub her head.  She looked right at me.  Immediately, she began to struggle against her restraints and her blood pressure spiked up high.  It was like a stab to my heart and I could not hold back the tears.

I knew that if I could pick her up and hold her, she would relax.  And it was clear to me that she was saying with all her might, “Mommy, pick me up?”  And I couldn’t.  And by standing there I was hurting her and not helping her.

You know how we mothers are.  If I could BE the bed under her for this week, I would do it in a heartbeat.  But I had to override every feeling inside me in order to pull back from her.  And I have to keep telling myself the truth that in order to love her right now, I must stay back.

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11 Responses to “Verity two days post-surgery”

  1. Lara Font says:

    Oh, Susanna, I SO understand the post about not touching..when Parker was in CVICU I was stroking him on the head and hands while he still had the breathing tube.  The nurse asked me to stop touching him since his pressures were up and down. It crushed me. Hardest moments of my life.  I understood, but I knew all Parker wanted was his Momma. I will be praying for you to hold her soon..God is good all the time! Blessings!

  2. Kristin says:

    ((HUGS))  So hard to not be able to hold your baby.  A was 3 days old before I held her the first time.
    Praise God for abundant milk supply!  I had a great supply with A and was an absolute pumping failure with the others.  God supplied generously when A needed it and I’m still so grateful.
    Praying for you and wishing we could just jump in the car and come see you at the hospital!  Alas, google maps informs me that it’s 20 hours, so I must pray from afar…

  3. Betsy says:

    Thank you Lord for 2 full lungs!
    Way to go Verity, Awesome breathing! Keep up the great work!
    Your abundant milk supply makes me sing “My (your) cup is full and overflowing.” PTL!!
    So thankful that our Lord Jesus is cradling Verity in His Loving arms better than any of us earthly mothers could. And not only will He hold Verity, but also her mommy and daddy.
    I have been blessed, as always, at the specific prayers we’ve prayed and God’s answers to them.
    What a Mighty and Sovereign God we serve!!!
    Holding you and your entire family close in our prayers today and in the days ahead!!

  4. Robin says:

    Praising God for her good lungs and your abundant milk supply!  Continuing to pray for Verity and your family.

  5. Marilyn Osborn says:

    You made me cry…..for the praises and for the struggles….Thank you for sharing your intimate journey.  It breaks my heart you can’t hold her….breaks my heart.
    Praying for you…..M

  6. stephanie says:

    oh that must be so impossible, to need to hold your baby and not be able to, my goodness.  But she is doing well. You have such an unbelievable attitude about the possible second surgery. it’s beautiful to see your trust in Jesus, it helps to renew mine!

  7. Carrie says:

    It’s so hard not to be able to hold your little one when they need you the most!  Just breaks your heart.

    We will be praying that Verity recovers well!

  8. Joy Horton says:

    Ugh, Susanna. I can feel your pain through your writing. You are doing an incredible job loving her by staying back. It goes against everything in us not to cradle our sweet babies in our arms. Oh, but what a “reunion” it will be when you ARE allowed to hold her once again!!!!

    I’m so happy to hear how her lungs are doing and am thanking God for that! Continuing to pray for precious Verity and her mama and daddy.

  9. Danielle says:

    I left yesterday and told my hubby that I wanted to climb in there with Verity and hold her, I knew you were only restraining yourself from doing so because you knew it was what she ultimately needed. I too could see her wanting to be in your arms and it was absolutely heartbreaking. The only blessing I could see in it is that she is so, so young and will never remember any part of this! I was blessed to be able to see you and meet Verity, she is simply beautiful. Thank you so much for my picture, I love it. You are such a blessing to so many people. ((hugs))  

  10. ((HUGS)) Not being able to hold your baby is so very hard!  I’ve had a few instances that I’ve not been able to hold my wee ones (once was during a spinal tap.) 

  11. Margery says:

    I remember with my son and his heart issues, I was able to hold him after he was born, then he turned blue and no holding him for another 18 days while they fiqured out was wrong, and fixed it. Even touching him was limited to right after diaper changes ( when they had already given him morpine to keep him calm). I can’t wait till you can touch her agian and then hold her agian.

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