As with a mother’s tender hand

July 6th, 2010

Yesterday morning I was hair-trigger sensitive.  I took quick offense and snapped at my husband more than once.  I had to go back and confess my wrongdoing to him and ask his forgiveness.

Later I sat with Verity on my lap, giving her milk with the syringe, tears running down my face so that I could hardly see what I was doing.

“God, now it’s here, the testing time, and I can’t do it.  I just don’t have it in me.  The pressure is on and it is hurting.  How many hard weeks and months are ahead?  We’ve barely started and look at how I’m already failing.”

And suddenly it was as if He opened my eyes.  I saw myself hunched over my little girl, squeezing just the right amount of milk into her mouth, mopping up the dribbles that run down her chin.  She decides over and over again, “I’m tired and I’m finished trying now,” long before she has gotten all she needs.  I have to keep giving her what I know she needs to grow, whether she wants it just then, or not.  Being a good mother means not allowing her to have her own way, a way that would lead to dehydration and starvation, and not to health and growth.

And I was overwhelmed with the enormity of the love that God has for me, a love that dwarfs the love I have for Verity.  I am being held in His lap, His heart yearning over me.  He is bending down tenderly, requiring me to keep at it, and pouring spiritual nourishment into me at the same time.  No, I don’t have it in me.  He knows what I need and is giving it to me even when I am tired and think I am finished trying now.  He is good and will not allow me to have my own way.  He is feeding me with His own grace.  He is growing me in spite of myself.

“Open your mouth wide,” He says to me, “and I will fill it.”

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16 Responses to “As with a mother’s tender hand”

  1. Sheena says:

    What a wonderful blessing you have been to me today! The Lord does give us all we need. I am being tested with this as well. I often think I have “needs” which in all actuality are “wants”. I know that Trials are never fun or easy but it is the way the Lord shepherds us and draws us closer to him! I often Thanked the Lord for Trials I am given because my true desire is to draw as close to God as I can. I fail miserably a lot but I come crawling on my knees asking for his help.
    I just wanted to thank you and let you know that I am praying for you family but most importantly REJOICING for you and your family!!

  2. Misty (Livingtoglorfiy2) says:

    Wow…. such a good truth to chew on. Must process this one! thanks for sharing so openly.

  3. Joy Horton says:

    Oh, Susanna! That is precious! I had to finish reading it through my tears. ((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

  4. Ashley says:

    Thank you, Susanna! I really needed to hear this today. Thank you for being God’s voice to me today …. your baby girl is just adorable! :)

  5. danielle madison says:

    Susannah, I am right there with you, not with a child who has health concerns, but in the new mommyhood days and nights that all blend together.  The need for God and his grace on me and my family right now is huge.  Good thing there is no end to his grace.  How good that our God never slumbers or sleeps and has no need.  I will keep you in my prayers.  I very much enjoyed this post, so kind of God to remind you of these truths, and for you to remind me!

  6. Just caught up on the reading here.  Susanna, you are a testimony, I’m amazed at how the Lord is working.  (((hugs)))  May He be your strength…  Verity is beautiful and so blessed to have you for her mama.  I love reading your thoughts here…

  7. greta says:

    Amen. What a beautiful picture of how deep God’s love is for us….

  8. Angiedawn says:

    I absolutely loved this post Susanna! I am also very encouraged to hear of another family who does NOT have health insurance *willingly* and for spiritual reasons.

    Love and hugs to you and Verity……

  9. Marilyn Osborn says:

    Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks……Lord thank you for filling our sister with such precious truth and insight!  Thank you!

  10. Aunt Mary says:

     This might be useless information but it has been brought to mind that in Browns Mills NJ there is a world-reknowned heart and lung hospital called Deborah. They perform surgery for free. Maybe Glynn could find a phone number via his dad. Just thought I would share this with you. God bless.

  11. Susanna says:

    Ashley, I am grieving your precious Hosanna with you today.  ((((((Love you))))))

  12. Ruth Einfeld says:

    Wow – I just finished reading all your posts for the last few months, and what a journey you have been through!  Quite a different journey than ours, but similar in other ways!
    You are a true testimony to the Grace that God gives along with the trials He lovingly sends our way for our good and His glory!
    Your story is not over, and in many ways is just starting – but whenever the future seems to hard to face, run to God and remind yourself of the truth of who God is, His great love for you and your little one, and that ALL things work together for good…even when your heart is breaking minute by minute.
    I plan to continue to check on your updates and keep you in our prayers!
    Our Esther is almost walking now at 21 months – such a long way since coming home at 4 months old and not even able to hold her head up!  She is the easiest baby I’ve ever had, the joy in our family and I can not imagine our lives without this blessing straight from the hand of my loving Father!

  13. Thanks Sis for sharing.  It seems like I am always trigger sensitive to someone within my small family group (which only includes 6 children) for one reason or another.  God consistently takes me to the edge of snapping either at my wife, children, employees or customers.   I relate to your latest post and say with you, “I will (count it all joy when I find myself in various trials and temptations)”

  14. Ruth Einfeld says:

    Oh – I was wondering if you had talked with your baby’s doctor about a feeding tube?  It would make you life much easier for now, as she could totally sleep while the pump feeds her, and then feed her when she’s awake and ready…Esther was on a feeding tube until 1 week after her open heart surgery (she was 3 1/2 months old when she was able to go without it).  It just goes through the nose and does not require surgery…

  15. Susanna says:

    Ruth, I’m pretty sure that’s the direction we’re headed.  :(  I really wanted her to have the benefits of bf’ing.

  16. sabrina says:

    Thank you for sharing that.  You and Verity are both a wonderful testimony of our Father’s love toward us.

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