Should I?

February 18th, 2010

Around this point in every pregnancy, I get this strong desire to get out the newborn clothes, hold them, smell them, lay them all out and look disbelievingly at how very small they really are. I assess whether there is anything I need to start looking for in the thrift stores over the next months. Now that my girls are older, it delights their hearts as much as it does mine to start to visualize our next tiny one wearing these tiny things.

Of course, I know they all have to be put away again for later, but for me, it has always been part of the joy of pregnancy.

This time we can get out the pink clothes.

Today, the thought came into my mind, but this time it was immediately followed by questions. Questions that had never come into my mind before.

Should I?

But what if…?

Would it make it all that much harder?

Am I just being morbid? Or realistic? Or…?

I don’t know. But for now I’ll wait. Until I can do it without wondering whether or not I should. It’s not a moral issue, and I’m probably making more out of it than necessary. I just felt a prick of sadness that the questions are there at all.

Susanna, what is the truth? The truth is that God knows the future and you don’t. If you needed to know, God would tell you. So in place of knowing, there is hoping in Him, trusting in Him, resting in Him, waiting on Him.

Part of the Scripture my friend sent me today from Psa. 31 was this,

“Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the LORD.”

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6 Responses to “Should I?”

  1. greta says:

    susanna, I believe you will know when the right time is…

  2. Tami Swaim says:

    One of the first things that I do is get a baby book or journal and write down the number pregnancy and names that we are considering and my thoughts at the time which usually border on sheer delight with a twist of apprehension~How will I do it all? But then the joy of knowing that God will use yet another blessing to strip me of more YUCK and make me more and more like Himself (which is amazing)…After my first miscarriage I noticed that I waited quite awhile before starting up a baby book/journal for my next pregnancy. I did lose the next one but much sooner than the first. With my pregnancy with Daniel I waited and noticed that the whole process of anticipating the birth through my ‘rituals’ was all the more significant to me. And I didn’t take any of it for granted. I was really grateful to even be at the point where I could write in a baby book or take out baby clothes and simply anticipate another blessing. Each and every step of the way is a blessing!

    I ditto greta …you’ll know when the time is right! ….and enjoy!

  3. Susanna,

    I learned with my eighth birth (William) that birth can be scary, the dreaded and unexpected can suddenly happen, and God is still there. He is so big, He is so good!

    I spent most of my ninth pregnancy in terrible fear, and shed many tears, it was a constant battle, God was there. I knit and crocheted like crazy as I had to put my mind to something, and it gave me such wonderful comfort to “do something” for him. Esp. in case I wasn’t there later. I looked at all my things for him, and it felt very good. I felt sure that at worst, he’d know how much I loved him.

    My time came for our birth, I just could hardly believe when things weren’t going wrong. My constant question between Cx was “Are you sure?”. Then out came the most beautiful, large, wonderful baby boy, no bleeding, no problems. Then the amazement we all had to find such a large boy had recently made a true knot in his cord (it had not yet begun to fuse)and another begun with the cord around his neck. It’s hard to communicate the joy but dismay I felt….. I spent that morning feeling inexplicably sad, it was just too close… Maybe it’s the fact that I can’t have confidence in my own control over the situation, and the fact that the situation is my beloved child. You just can’t make everything perfect, but I so want to. When I enter into this journey and open my heart to another little one, I am completely vulnerable and dependent upon the Lord.

    Sorry, ramblings. I just want you to know that I understand a little bit, and I care. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

  4. Susanna says:

    “When I enter into this journey and open my heart to another little one, I am completely vulnerable and dependent upon the Lord.”

    This is profoundly true, Rebecca.

  5. Hello, Susanna. I have been reading your blog for sometime now and have really been blessed by it but have yet to comment.  It’s sad that my first comment is to inform you that it would appear your site has been hacked in this post!  Arghh.  Sorry. But I suppose it’s better for you to know than not (and I will make a proper comment sometime soon!). 
    Thanks for a great blog (and I pray you’ll be able to get this bit fixed without too many problems!)
    In Him

  6. Susanna says:

    Thank you, Meredith! Getting on that now!

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